Radical emotional acceptance, or REA, is systematic desensitization therapy for our fear of emotions. I have honed this approach with my patients over the past decade, and it delivers swift results. Instead of treating emotions as the enemy, they become our friends. Rather than avoiding them, we feel them fully. We get curious. We start to explore. We become less reliant on our persistent thoughts and more trusting of our sixth sense, that mysterious, gut-level instinct that guides us toward the light.
We all have emotions of sadness or disappointment that come and go. It can be an obvious knee-jerk reaction to want to simply get rid of them and somehow just be happy all of the time. This can become a pathology in its own right when it is supported by a family history and a culture offering endless methods to avoid or fix or work through the sadness as if it is the disease. But what if emotions in the "sad category" simply have a special purpose to play to help us in our lives?
As men in my practice started to emote freely, their lives started to change. Mine, too. Many of their “emotional problems” would vanish when they started to apply the five steps and take their lives back. Relationships and jobs got better. Income increased. Self-esteem and physical health improved. Symptoms of depression and anxiety abated. In short, they were becoming whole again and at peace with their emotional reality.
REA set me free. I was constantly at war with myself, believing all kinds of B.S. stories in my head about my emotions—all the stuff I was indoctrinated with growing up. That I should just “be a man and take it!” That I shouldn’t feel sad. That I should just let it go. That I shouldn’t be angry. That I should be happy. That I shouldn’t be so scared. That I shouldn’t allow hate in my heart. That I shouldn’t be jealous. I was “shoulding” all over myself.
Emotions are the pure, visceral sensations that happen to us. Emotions, like colors, need no explanation; they just are. Think of an emoji chart: Happy. Sad. Disgust. Confusion. Joy. Hate. Feelings are emotions plus a story, and the story we tell ourselves is often not true or helpful. Emotions are also separate from behaviors. It is possible to experience intense, true, and pure anger without becoming violent or throwing a tantrum.
A flash of microexpression on your partner’s face may send you a world of “emotional data” as your emotional antenna suddenly picks up a combination of fear, curiosity, annoyance, mistrust, anticipation, compassion, sadness, and a smattering of hope. This pure data, much like the data provided by our other senses, is instantly filtered and processed through our bodies and mind–our emotional memories of our past, our partner’s past, our current relationship status, and sense of attachment. We may sense tightness in our chest, chills down our spine, butterflies in our stomach, or a sudden sensation of nausea.
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